Question by BF1222: Can somebody check my essay?
Brittany Falussy
If you would have told me two years ago that the most influential person in my life would be a man who couldn’t speak, walk, or go to the bathroom by himself, I probably would have laughed out loud. Two years ago I was a different person. Two years ago I met a man named Henry. I never learned his last name, and I probably never will. Henry was the man who couldn’t speak, walk or go to the bathroom by himself. Despite these maladies, Henry was in fact the most influential person in my life.
I began volunteering at the Gurwin Geriatric center during my summer between sophomore and junior year of high school. The Gurwin center was a great opportunity to gather community service hours that were mandatory in my participation in the National Honor Society. Volunteering there was a blast. I spent Tuesday mornings in Arts and Crafts, Wednesdays at bingo, and Thursdays working in the nail salon.
Now it shouldn’t be surprising my favorite part of the week was Arts and Crafts, nor should it be that I became very close with its instructor, Ms Julianne Cutolo. Noticing my interest in the arts, she told me that she had a degree in art therapy, and that she held an art therapy program at Gurwin each Friday. I agreed to help, not realizing what I was getting myself in to.
The Art Therapy program was located in the section of the home dedicated to the people with extremely bad conditions. The room was filled with about twenty elders, each with worsening conditions. I began helping everyone get situated before we began the program when I noticed a man in a wheel chair huddled in fetal position in his wheel chair. His clothes were about three sizes too large, and had a Yankee cap sitting on his head. I walked over to him noticing he had a red colored pencil in one hand, a ruler in the other, and a white piece of paper on his lap.
At first he was reluctant to my help. He was a very humble man, and you could tell it pained him to have to have someone constantly helping him. He took the ruler and extended it towards me, and pointed on the paper. So, I took the ruler from him and placed it on the paper where he pointed. He drew a red like across the paper. We repeated this step about thirty times when I noticed the lines he was drawing were beginning to form a red convertible.
Each day was the same routine. He pointed, I placed, and he drew. He couldn’t speak very well, but as time went on I learned to decipher his mumbles. We laughed, told jokes, and shared stories every time he came to the program. We never introduced ourselves, but we always acted as if we had known each other forever. It wasn’t until my last day at Gurwin that I learned his name was Henry.
On the outside, Henry and I seemed very different. He was an eighty-five year old man with Multiple Sclerosis, and I was a young and light-hearted fifteen year old with the rest of her life ahead of her. On the inside, Henry and I were very much alike. We came to Gurwin for the same reason: we were alone and needed some company in the world.
If I could never speak, walk, or go to the bathroom by myself ever again, I would have one thing going for me. Henry taught me that if you can look for the good in life instead of accepting the bad, you would forever be happy. He told me he was very content in his life because even though he had it really bad at that very moment, he lived his dream of pursuing his art, and never regretted anything.
Best answer:
Answer by Someone
I placed notes at the bottom and asterisks to denote where a possible problem is. Overall, it seems pretty good, but you may want to elaborate more about WHY Henry is influential to you(to address the prompt well) and HOW he was optimistic despite his situation. Anyway, here’s the edited version:
If you told me two years ago that the most influential person in my life would be a man who couldn’t speak, walk, or go to the bathroom by himself, I probably would have laughed out loud. Two years ago I was a different person. Two years ago I met a man named Henry. I never learned his last name, and I probably never will. Henry was the man who couldn’t speak, walk or go to the bathroom by himself. Despite these maladies, Henry was in fact the most influential person in my life.
I began volunteering at the Gurwin Geriatric Center during the summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school. The Gurwin Center was a great opportunity to gather community service hours that were mandatory in my participation in the National Honor Society. Volunteering there was a blast. I spent Tuesday mornings in arts and crafts, Wednesdays at bingo, and Thursdays working in the nail salon.
Now, it shouldn’t be surprising that my favorite part of the week was arts and crafts, nor should it be that I became very close with its instructor, Ms. Julianne Cutolo. Noticing my interest in the arts, she told me that she had a degree in art therapy and that she held an art therapy program at Gurwin each Friday. I agreed to help, not realizing what I was getting myself into.
The art therapy program was located in the section of the home dedicated to the people with extremely bad conditions. The room was filled with about twenty elders, each with worsening conditions.* I began helping everyone get situated before we began** the program when I noticed a man in a wheelchair huddled in a fetal position. His clothes were about three sizes too large, and had a Yankee cap sitting on his head. I walked over to him noticing he had a red colored pencil in one hand, a ruler in the other, and a white piece of paper on his lap.
At first, he was reluctant to my help. He was a very humble man, and you could tell it pained him to have to have someone constantly helping him. He took the ruler, extended it towards me, and pointed to on the paper. So, I took the ruler from him and placed it on the paper where he pointed. He drew a red line across the paper. We repeated this step about thirty times when I noticed the lines he was drawing were beginning to form a red convertible.
Each day was the same routine. He pointed, I placed, and he drew. He couldn’t speak very well, but as time went on I learned to decipher his mumbles. We laughed, told jokes, and shared stories every time he came to the program. We never introduced ourselves, but we always acted as if we had known each other forever. It wasn’t until my last day at Gurwin that I learned his name was Henry.
On the outside, Henry and I seemed very different. He was an eighty-five year old man with Multiple Sclerosis, and I was a young and light-hearted fifteen year old with the rest of her life ahead of her. On the inside, Henry and I were very much alike. We came to Gurwin for the same reason: we were alone and needed some company in the world.
If I could never speak, walk, or go to the bathroom by myself ever again, I would have one thing going for me. Henry taught me that if you can look for the good in life instead of accepting the bad, you would forever be happy. He told me he was very content in his life because even though he had it really bad at that very moment, he lived his dream of pursuing his art, and never regretted anything.
* You used ‘conditions’ in two sentences in a row. Consider finding a different word.
** Redundancy. You used ‘began’ twice in the same sentence here.
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